Sometimes it’s just easier to say, “I’m fine…”

 

 

 

 

How am I? Not great. In fact….

I feel like shit and my life’s gone to hell.

God has stripped me clean

Clean of every preconceived notion of what my life would look like at this stage.

He has not left a single stone unturned in terms of kids or career…marriage or ministry  …success or status.

There is not one dearly held hope or dream He has left unchallenged (read: unshattered) in His quest

To kill me.

On the other hand…

I do have a ton of groovy stuff for sale in my effort to continue sleeping indoors.

That’s right, next weekend, in fact, on my front lawn and driveway will be strewn the meager acquisitions of two decades of family life for all the world to see and make insulting bids on.

(By the way, even though I know it’s not supposed to, it bothers me that the sum total of these belongings are of less value than a single three day weekend at a flea market for many of my contemporaries. I mean, honestly, it’s not that I’m any less
attractive or talented or dare I say deserving and yet, they always seem to have while I …digress.)

After all,

Money can’t by happiness, but an acute lack of it can bring some things into very sharp

FOCUS

Like when you can’t really afford those things that you used to kid yourself into thinking were just “enjoyable extras” that you now discover are

addictions

(Can’t say it too loud, ‘cause “as a man believeth in his heart so is he” so if it remains in hushed tones, it doesn’t count.)

But, you look like a nice enough guy, and besides

Do your worst.

God’s already kicking my ass, how much help could you possibly be anyway?

So here’s how bad it’s gotten.

I make a detour by a certain hotel on my way home.

(Don’t get all ahead of yourself, this is WAY worse than you think)

Being a national chain hotel, I am aware that its employee policies are mandated by
Nicotine Nazis so the working stiffs of this establishment are forced to pop outside for a quick puff. Quick is key here, meaning that there is potentially an abundance of barely used ciggies in the outside ashtrays.

(I know, I know, but I did say addiction, remember?!?)

Crossing stealthily from my car to one of these possible repositories of pre-owned, gently worn carcinogens,

(Naturally, I can’t be seen…. After all, I have my pride!)

I am approached by a panhandling woman with the poorest excuse for a sob story trying to shake me down for a spare coupla bucks and it’s all I can do not to laugh in her face but it would just be too much work to explain how the only reason that our paths crossed so that we could even have this conversation is that I was too broke to buy cigarettes and was looking for one in an ashtray probably shorter than the one I would have gladly
ripped her throat out for the chance to yank from between her lips and how bad could things really be for you anyway if you still have cigarettes, lucky bitch?

I liked smoking better when it was an extravagance.

So there’s a plan, eh?

“All things work together”

“I know My plans”

“A man’s steps are ordered”

REALLY?!?

SO WHERE THE HELL ARE WE GOING HERE?!?!?!?

As I peruse the writings of Paul and Luther, Spurgeon and the good Dr. Luke,

I see not the slightest hint of this type of honesty.

Did they have no compulsion to record it or (more likely) were they simply less screwed up than me?

How can it be that I find myself so far afield?

I believe the promises…

…but only see deprivation and desolation there and what’s more

The Lie…

…contains more promise than the promise!

(Of course I also believe that this is the quintessential essence of the Lie but, somehow,

this fact fails to diminish the enticement.)

There are three things that make me tired, no four that leave me utterly exhausted –

…the putting to death of my carnal man

…the evanescence of my mortal existence

…people for whom these questions never occur

…people who view such questions as heresy

I have, however, decided the following –

One: The work of the Holy Spirit of putting to death the works of my flesh is painful, tedious and, in short, just plain sucks. I can think of about a million less intrusive ways He could go about this. On the other hand, I never would have come up with the platypus, either, not in a million billion years.

(I mean, seriously. Leathery bill, beaver tail, webbed feet with claws. Has hair, lays eggs. Male-poisonous; female has mammary glands but no nipples! But, hey, it works, so who am I…?)

Two: I ain’t never had nothin’, probably won’t ever and to presume I somehow deserve to is a lie. All of the jealous vitriol secretly harbored against the “haves” and all of my negative closet assessments concerning the probable poor quality of their true spirituality does not preclude me from being numbered with the “have nots”. Further, to cite the title of one of the most uplifting hymns of the last hundred and fifty years, while I notice
“How Tedious and Tasteless the Hours”, I also notice that my hours are probably more than half gone so the statute of limitations on my self inflated poverty piety has most likely run out.

Three: For those of you who find ramblings such as these superfluous, nonsensical and, dare I say, unnecessary, I envy you your sleep of the innocent. I only hope you extend the same latitude to friends and family that you do to God when they do something unexpected or unexplained.

Four: For those who branded me infidel from the fourth word of this treatise (an indictment doubtless capped by the gratuitous use of the word “nipple” a couple of paragraphs ago), three words: I don’t care! My whole life I have been surrounded by lovely, God fearing folk who sing the praises and extol the virtues of the Creator and the splendor of His creation: the heavens, the earth and the fullness thereof. Confessing their amazement at the wonders of the human brain, I stand amazed that they find it inconsistent that it should actually be put to use. I understand that it is impossible to please God without faith but I also understand that this same God invites me to come and reason together with Him! I believe that the manufacturer of a product is a much more qualified arbiter of its use than someone who is simply an owner.

All that being said…

Do I feel better?
Not necessarily.

Do I feel closer to the answers?
Probably not.

Do I think it needed to be said?
Without question.

Dealing with the eternal and existential with frankness and humor is just my way
and should in no wise be confused with resolution, but…

I am resolved to be silent no longer.

Because, unless I am the appendix

(you know, that little organ that’s there but no one is sure just why)

in the body of Christ, I am not alone in thinking these thoughts.

NEWS FLASH: Thinking you are the only one who thinks like you think remands you to
isolation and makes you an easy mark for the Enemy!

Maybe you’ve dismissed these thoughts or ignored them.

Maybe you have denied having them.

Maybe you are appalled and offended that anyone has chosen to voice them or (gasp)
write them down!

All the same…

they’re there

In the middle of the night…

they’re there

In the busy work of your Christian life…

they’re there

In those moments when you were just sure that you had a handle on the will of God for your life…

they’re there

In all those times you were certain beyond all doubt that someone was going to be saved or delivered or healed and yet they weren’t…

They Are There!

DON’T SHUT THEM OUT ANY LONGER!

Take them out…..

Acknowledge their existence…..

Bring them to Father. Trust me, He can handle it.

And now that you have read these thoughts, I invite you to respond.

Not necessarily to me, but more necessarily with me.

Join me as I, like Jacob, wrestle with God concerning these matters, even though at present I, (unlike Jacob) have yet to receive any blessing.

But let it be known that I am, albeit in the most distant and ethereal way, beginning to think that I perhaps can hope that I can maybe believe that someday…

…I will.